Would JD Harmeyer Save the Life of Ronnie Mund or Jon Hein?

JD Harmeyer’s loyalties were tested Monday morning when the staffer was asked to choose between saving the life of two of his colleagues: Ronnie Mund and Jon Hein. The conversation began after Ronnie revealed he had a bone to pick with JD, who never bothered to call Howard’s limo driver when he was down in the dumps about the pandemic and death of his cat.

Howard couldn’t understand it. “No one was a better friend to JD than [Ronnie],” he told listeners. “Ronnie tried to get him laid. Ronnie took him out to dinner when nobody wanted to be friends with JD.”

Ronnie was especially upset because JD seemed to have no trouble fitting Jon Hein into his busy schedule. “I’m the old guy now, kind of like his father. He don’t want to hang out with his father anymore, I get it,” Ronnie suggested.

JD disagreed. “It’s not really true. Actually, Ronnie, I’ll say you’re a lot more funner to hang out with than Jon,” he said, adding, “I never dumped Ronnie. He’s actually one of my favorite people.”

Curious whether JD preferred Jon to Ronnie, Howard gave him the ultimate test. “Do you pick Ronnie or Jon Hein to live? You gotta pick one otherwise they both die,” he said.

JD struggled mightily with the decision. “I love them both dearly for different reasons,” he said. “I don’t like this at all. This isn’t fun for me.”

Howard served up several hypothetical scenarios and, finally, JD decided he would save Ronnie and let Jon die.

Howard was stunned. “Jon’s daughters no longer have a father thanks to you. His wife is a widow. He’s never going to get to meet his grandchildren,” he told JD. “Jon will never get to write another fast food book.”

Everyone was curious why JD picked Ronnie to save, but JD couldn’t say. “I don’t know. There’s really no reasoning. I’m just fucking—I just want this conversation to be over because I don’t like it. I don’t like any part of it. I don’t like what happens after it,” he said.

Sure enough, neither Jon nor Ronnie was thrilled with JD’s big decision.

Though glad to have been spared, Ronnie was still angry JD ghosted him over the past few months. “I was the one who got him out there, man—meeting girls, meeting guys, hanging out … Years of advice I gave this young man,” he said, adding, “I took him to buy his first suit.”

Jon, meanwhile, was upset he was left to die. “It hurts … Ronnie is 70 years old. He’s lived a great life, a long life. I’m a lot younger,” Jon said. “I’m genuinely surprised. This one stings, Howard.”

Co-host Robin Quivers, meanwhile, was annoyed JD couldn’t give any good reasons for why he saved Ronnie.

“You wanna see how hard it is, Robin? Choose one of these guys,” Howard said.

“Okay,” she responded. “I’m killing Jon Hein.”

“Really? Wow, why? That’s so easy, I thought you’d have a hard time with it,” Howard said.

“You didn’t even hesitate, Robin!” Jon added.

“I love Ronnie, I’ve known Ronnie longer. That’s how I based that decision,” Robin explained. “I would miss Ronnie more than Jon—sorry, Jon.”

Jason Kaplan polled the rest of the staff and the results were rather one-sided: everyone but Will Murray chose to save Ronnie.

“Why did you save Ronnie over Jon Hein?” Howard asked Jason.

“It was more personal, to clear the way for me to be the fast food guy,” Jason laughed, adding, “Ronnie’s never stabbed me in the back.”

Shuli Egar voted for Ronnie, too. “I’ve been on the road with Ronnie. I’ve bled, I’ve sweat with that man. I have nothing against Jon, I just know Ronnie a lot better,” he said.

“JD, do you feel any better now that all these other people voted for Ronnie?” Howard asked.

“No, no, no,” JD said. “I don’t feel any better.”

At one point, Howard’s longtime stylist Ralph Cirella called in and announced he would actually save Jon over Ronnie. “It’s a no-brainer with me,” Ralph said. He then put Robin to a different test. “Me or Ronnie?” Ralph asked.

“I’m still going to save Ronnie,” Robin said. “I have a great deal of affection for Ronnie, sorry.”

Executive producer Gary Dell’Abate chimed in with more “Ronnie or Ralph” feedback, revealing the overwhelming majority of the staff would save Ronnie and let Ralph die. In the end, only staffer Chris Wilding came forward and agreed to save Ralph.

“Who else am I going to send dick pics to? I gotta save my friend,” Chris said.